Today I listened to an album I rarely listen to (“This is my Jesus” by @joshputnammusic). It takes me immediately back to the darkest point of my life, when our 2 year old daughter left abruptly for Heaven.
The deepest pit of hell, and the closest I’ve ever felt to Jesus, the most desperately I’ve ever clung to Him to get me through the next three seconds in front of me. Listening to these songs and singing my lungs out with tears streaming down my face as I drove down the highway today, I was transported back to the day of Harbor’s celebration service. I stood on the stage with my newborn (Oaks) strapped to my chest, my husband’s arm around me to keep me standing. I was the weakest person in the room, if not the whole entire world, in that moment. There was no lower point. There was no more rock bottom. I was useless, I couldn’t even eat or sleep or hardly care for the baby I was holding. I was completely destroyed. I was decimated. And I didn’t know what to do. So I did the only thing I could think of: I stood there in a daze and asked people to give their lives to Jesus. I said I knew of one thing worse than losing a child, and it was to walk through life and eternity apart from Him. I brought my feeble offering to the Lord and hoped He would do as He promises, and make His power perfect in my weakness. (A few days ago, my sweet friend who is fighting cancer told me that she still draws strength from the words that stumbled out of my mouth that day. Thank you, Jesus.)
Listening to this album today brought me so VIVIDLY back to that time when I thought I would buckle under the weight of the darkness. When I WANTED to just buckle under it and go with my little girl. And I’m also taken back to the fact that Jesus never left my side. I can’t debate theology with the brilliant minds of the world, but I can tell you what I KNOW and that’s the TRUTH, and that’s my story and what He has done for me and for my family. I pray that the God who emboldened me and upheld me during those days, will embolden and uphold me in these dark days too. And I don’t have to wonder if He will, because He always has. And He will do the same for you.
Draw near to Him in this darkness. Turn off what the world says. Lean in to what He says. You are loved, you are held, you are not meant to be carrying all that is heavy in the world all the time – hand it over. And then hand it back again and again as you forget. Fix your eyes. Tune out the rest. His power is made perfect in your weakness. (A reminder to myself as much as anyone). Sending you love today ♥️ Also go download that album.